A Little Forced

Danger Monkey, age 9: “Hey, did you know I can use The Force?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “You can? Really?”

DM: “Yeah, watch.” (licks his palm and starts moving it toward her face)

LMT: “Aaaagh!!!” (runs away)

DM: (chuckles) “I told you!”

… moments later …

DM: “Hey, Dad. Did you know I can use The Force?”

Me: “Sorry, doesn’t work on Dads.”

DM: (licks both palms, moves toward my face) “Look… I’m using The Force!”

Me: (blank stare)

DM: (touches my face with spit hands) “But… you didn’t move.”

Me: “I told you. I’ve wiped your butt, which is much worse. Also, I had a little brother, so I’m immune to most sibling torture methods.”

DM: (slow blink)

DM: “Hey, Mom…”

Best School Ever

(RING)(RING)

Nice School Lady: “Front office, how may I help you?”

Me: “Hello, this is Troy Maynard. I need to pick up my kids from school today instead of them riding the bus like they…:

NSL: “OK, car riders today. Anything else?”

Me: “Yes, can you please remind him to bring his…”

NSL: “Cello! Of course. We remind all our strings kids to take their instruments home on Fridays. Anything else?”

Me: (slow blink)

Me: “You know, I didn’t even say their names yet.”

NSL: “We know who they are.”

Me: “Uh… is that a good thing?”

NSL: (laugh) “Yes, they’re great kids. It’s just a small school. We know everyone.”

Me: “OK, thanks. Just checking.”

Best. School. EVAR.

Me: “Is everyone ready for the bus? Oh my goodness, why is your hair so messy?”

Little Miss Thing, age 6: “It’s Crazy Hair Day at school today.”

Me: “Cool. Maybe I’ll do that for work today, too.”

LMT: “Every day is Crazy Hair and Crazy Beard Day for you.”

Me: (slow blink)

[I mean… she’s not wrong.]