Fries for Fruit

Me: “Young lady, you have to eat all those scrambled eggs you put on your plate.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “But I’m full.”

Me: “You’ve barely eaten, so I’m not sure I believe that.”

LMT: “I don’t feel well. My stomach hurts. I feel hot. I need to go lie down.”

Me: (side eye)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I’ll eat your eggs if I can have some of those french fries you reheated.”

LMT: “Deal!”

Me: “Not so fast…”

LMT: “What?!?”

Me: “It’s not about trading. It’s my job to make sure each of you gets enough nutrition, and protein, and fiber, and all that stuff. You can’t just trade willy-nilly. And, I’d like to point out that I wasn’t a fan of you reheating your french fries at breakfast, and I told you specifically to not fill up on fries before you ate the solid stuff.”

(long pause)

LMT: “OK, if he eats my eggs, I’ll eat more cantaloupe.”

DM: “If I can eat her fries, I’ll clear the table by myself when we’re done.”

(long pause)

Me: “I will allow this… if I get some of the french fries.”

LMT: “Deal!”

DM: “Deal!”

(furious swapping)

Me: “We might be a family of gamers.”

DM: “Isn’t it great?”



I’m A Giver

(at county fair)

(walking past a booth)

Booth Lady: “You are wonderful.”

Me: “Um… OK.”

BL: “I’ve seen how much food you’re buying, and only from the local charity booths.”

Me: “Yeah, I try to support the local stuff. It’s a great way to help out, and I get to eat lots of fun food.”

BL: “So, who all are you buying the food for? Your family? Or are you here with a group?”

Me: “Well, actually… mostly just me.”

BL: “WHOA. You ate ALL of that?”

Me: “No, not all of it. I shared.”

BL: …

Me: “I mean, I ate most of it.”

(long pause)

BL: “Well, the charities all appreciate you.”

Me: “I like to make an impact.”

Shake It Up

(at county fair)

Me: “Here, shake some salt on Mom’s corn on the cob.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I’m a good shaker.”

Me: “Yes, you have mad skills. Now salt the other side.”


Me: “Honey, we have to turn it over so you can salt that side, too.”

LMT: “I can do it.”

Me: “No, you can’t shake salt up.”

LMT: “I can do it. Watch.”

(violent shaking in upward motion)

(seventeen grains of salt eventually hit the corn)

LMT: “I told you.”

Me: “I should have never doubted you.”