Hold The Cheese

(holding can of spray cheese)

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Why does this say Cheese Snack instead of just cheese?”

Me: “Because it’s not cheese. It’s just cheap oil that’s whipped into goo, and it’s so full of chemicals that the government won’t let them call it cheese.”

LMT: “These chemicals are delicious! I want this every day.”

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Twenty Questions

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Let’s play 20 questions. Try to guess what I’m thinking.”

Me: “Is it bigger than a breadbox?”

DM: “It can take any shape.”

Me: …

Me: “It can’t be a fictional character in a book that only you’ve read.”

DM: …

DM: “I only want to play if mythical creatures are included.”

Me: “OK, maybe I should go first. Try to guess what I’m thinking.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Is it on your face?”

Me: …

Me: “Maybe we should just go back to quietly reading for the rest of the drive.”

LMT: “I thought of something.”

Me: “OK, is it a place or a person?”

LMT: “It’s something you can go into.”

Me: “Is it a building?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Yes.”

Me: “Is it a business?”

LMT: “Mmm… not sure.”

Me: “Well, does it have employees?”

LMT: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Do they sell things?”

LMT: “I don’t know.”

Me: …

Me: “Then I guess I give up.”

LMT: “It’s a bank.”

Me: “Honey, banks have employees inside them.”

LMT: “How am I supposed to know what goes on in there?”

Oil Be Darned

Me: “What’s that, coconut oil?”

My Oldest, age 15: “It’s amazing for your skin. I put it on several times a day. It fixes everything.”

Me: “Not these elbows.”

Oldest: “No, it fixes everything! Let me see.”

(rubs oil onto elbow)

Oldest: “Wow. That elbow’s gross.”

Me: “C’mon. It’s just rough skin. What about the oil?”

(more oil)

Me: “Told you.”

(more oil)

Oldest: “Congratulations. You defeated coconut oil.”

Me: “I win!”

Oldest: “There are no winners here.”