OK Google

(driving)

Me: “Hey kids, listen to what my phone can do without me even touching it”

(clears throat)

Me: “OK Google, play funk music.”

(Google Assistant plays funk music)

Danger Monkey, age 11: “What else can it do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let’s see. OK Google, play monkey noises.”

(Google plays monkey noises)

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Hey Google! Do a dance!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think…”

DM: “Google, play fart noises!”

LMT: “Google, jump out the window!”

DM: “Google, access Dad’s bank account!”

Me: “Hey now…”

LMT: “Google, take control of the car and drive us to ice cream!”

DM: “Google, transfer $100 from Dad’s checking account and mail it to me!”

Me: “And… we’re done.”

(turns off phone)

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Montgomery Biscuits

Me: “So, we’ll be in Montgomery around dinner time. Surely there’s somewhere fun and local we can eat?”

Wonderful Wife: “Hmm… this app shows what’s along our route. It looks like all chain restaurants. Oh, wait, this sounds great. What do you think of trying The Montgomery Biscuits?”

Me: “Uh, yeah! That sounds exactly like the type of awesome Southern food I was hoping to find! ”

WW: “Oh, and they even scored a 4.8 out of 5.0.”

Me: “WOW! We are totally eating there! Wait… better check their hours. They may close early on Sundays.”

WW: “Good idea. I’m Googling it right now… and…”

(hysterical laughter)

Me: “Are you OK, Honey? What’s wrong?”

WW: “We might want to keep looking. The Montgomery Biscuits is the minor league baseball team.”

Me: (slow blink)

Having a (Fire)Ball

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Please be quiet.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (loud singing)

DM: “Dad, I need to cast Mage Hand to put a magical hand over her mouth.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy. We’re not playing D&D. You’re stuck back there with your sister for the rest of this car ride. Can you maybe think of a better way to resolve this?”

DM: “Yes, but I’m not level 5 so I can’t cast fireball yet.”

LMT: “What…?”

Me: “What…?”