Things I Actually, Really Said:

“No, just because you can fit half an avocado into your mouth does not make it bite-sized.”

“Come downstairs right now and get your giant squid.”

“Being in a bad mood is not a valid justification for physical assault.”

“My pancreas is not a trampoline.”

“Sorry, you can’t be a dog when you grow up. Being a Veterinarian is probably as close as you can get.”

“No one in this family ever calls anyone by the wrong name, Reginald.” [Note: his name is not Reginald]