Things I Get to Say, episode #4,158

Things I Actually, Really Said:

“No, just because you can fit half an avocado into your mouth does not make it bite-sized.”

“Come downstairs right now and get your giant squid.”

“Being in a bad mood is not a valid justification for physical assault.”

“My pancreas is not a trampoline.”

“Sorry, you can’t be a dog when you grow up. Being a Veterinarian is probably as close as you can get.”

“No one in this family ever calls anyone by the wrong name, Reginald.” [Note: his name is not Reginald]

 

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Things I get to Say, #1,567

Things I literally said today:

“Please stop demonstrating lemur fighting techniques at the dinner table.”

“We do not throw away gyro meat. That’s as close as I get to a religious taboo.”

“Is that music, or is someone trapped in the restroom and signaling for help?”