Things I Get to Say, episode #4,158

Things I Actually, Really Said:

“No, just because you can fit half an avocado into your mouth does not make it bite-sized.”

“Come downstairs right now and get your giant squid.”

“Being in a bad mood is not a valid justification for physical assault.”

“My pancreas is not a trampoline.”

“Sorry, you can’t be a dog when you grow up. Being a Veterinarian is probably as close as you can get.”

“No one in this family ever calls anyone by the wrong name, Reginald.” [Note: his name is not Reginald]


Count It Out

Parenting is standing at the front door during a night storm, tiny scared girl on your hip, calmly teaching her to count the gap between the lightning and the thunder, just like your dad taught you a million years ago. The hardest part is pretending you’re not still a little afraid of the lightning yourself.