He Means Everything

Me: “Make sure you get some fruits and veggies in addition to the General Tso’s chicken. It’s a buffet but we still need to get fruits and veggies.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I will. I just love General Tso’s.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought you’d grow out of it eventually, but you’re still loving it. I’m going to start calling you General Tso.”

DM: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because you are what you eat.” (snicker)

DM: “Really? Then why don’t we call you Everything?”


Raise a Little Yell


(kids yelling)

(much yelling)

(so much yelling)

Me: “Kids! Too loud! That’s enough. No more yelling in the car. Never yell in the car.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “No yelling… ever?”

Me: “The only thing you’re allowed to yell is, ‘DAD IS COOL’.”

(long pause)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “In other words, no yelling.”

Me: (glaring in rearview mirror)

Treet & Rutherford

Little Miss Thing, age 6: “Why do you call us different names all the time?”

Me: “They’re just silly nicknames.”

LMT: “Why do they change every day?”

Me: “OK, how about permanent nicknames. You are now… Treet, the magical puppy.”

LMT: “Yay!”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “I’m a telekinetic cat.”

Me: “No, I have to give it to you.”

DM: “Then make me a telekinetic cat.”

Me: “No, your name is… Rutherford… and you are a… telekinetic… uh… turnip.”

DM: “Can I be a shape-changing telekinetic turnip?”

Me: “Yes, you are now a shape-changing, telekinetic turnip named Rutherford.”

DM: “I change into a cat.”

Me: (slow blink)

Me: “Son, you may be better at this game than I am.”