Two out of Three

Me: “To cut back on calories and save money, I’ve decided to not order a shake with my dinner. I’ll just help the kids finish theirs.”

All three kids: “No way! I’m not sharing!” (much clamor)

Me: “OK, I guess I have to respect that.”

(I go back up and order my own shake)

Little Miss Thing, age 6: “I’m full. You can have the rest of mine.”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “Yeah, I can’t finish mine either.”

My Oldest, age 15: “Hey, don’t look at me. I’m no quitter.”

Positivity

Ltitle Miss Thing, age 6: “Mom, he’s not doing dishes right.”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “Well, she’s not doing her fair share.”

Wonderful Wife: “Guys, can we be more positive, please?”

DM: “I’m positive she’s not doing her fair share.”

LMT: “I’m positive you stink.”

Schooled

My Oldest, age 14: “Some of these snarky Internet videos are actually informational.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

Oldest: “No, really. Like ‘The History of Japan’. It’s hilarious and rude, but I learned about how the US forces invaded Japan under Matthew Perry, and…”

Me: “MATTHEW Perry? Hahahahaha! Chandler Bing invaded Japan? Hahahahaha”

Oldest: “What?”

Me: “I think you meant Commodore Perry.”

Oldest: “Yes, Commodore Matthew Perry.”

Me: “Wait… his name was Matthew?”

Oldest: “Maybe you should watch more Internet videos.”