(holding can of spray cheese)
Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Why does this say Cheese Snack instead of just cheese?”
Me: “Because it’s not cheese. It’s just cheap oil that’s whipped into goo, and it’s so full of chemicals that the government won’t let them call it cheese.”
LMT: “These chemicals are delicious! I want this every day.”
Me: “What’s that, coconut oil?”
My Oldest, age 15: “It’s amazing for your skin. I put it on several times a day. It fixes everything.”
Me: “Not these elbows.”
Oldest: “No, it fixes everything! Let me see.”
(rubs oil onto elbow)
Oldest: “Wow. That elbow’s gross.”
Me: “C’mon. It’s just rough skin. What about the oil?”
(more oil)
Me: “Told you.”
(more oil)
Oldest: “Congratulations. You defeated coconut oil.”
Me: “I win!”
Oldest: “There are no winners here.”
Me: “This shirt doesn’t fit.”
Wonderful Wife: “How’s that possible?”
Me: “Well, I’ve gotten pretty rotund.”
WW: “I wouldn’t use that word.”
Me: “Oh, c’mon. Yesterday a Sherpa showed up leading a group of rich white guys to climb me.”
WW: …
WW: “You’re not right.”
Very Vocal Viking 