Danger Monkey, age 10: “Dad, which are you best at… reading, writing, or math?”
Little Miss Thing, age 7: “He’s really good at reading.”
Me: “Aww, thanks, honey.”
LMT: “Especially reading on his phone at the dinner table even though he tells us it’s wrong, making him a big hypocrite.”
Me: …
Danger Monkey, age 10: “Mom, you can have my extra Fun Dip.”
Wonderful Wife: “Well, thank you!”
DM: “OK, I’ll tell you how to eat it. It’s a different kind of candy.”
WW: “Oh, honey. I know how to eat Fun Dip. Trust me.”
Me: “Yeah, kiddo. Fun Dip was around even when we were kids.”
WW: “In fact, in high school, I once poured three packets of Fun Dip on a pickle and ate it.”
Me: “Whut.”
DM: “Ewwww! Why?”
WW: “It was a dare. It was absolutely disgusting. Ask Alex Service. I cannot recommend the combo.”
Me: “Son, don’t ever do something on a dare. It never works out.”
DM: “OK. But I want to try Fun Dip on a pickle.”
Me: …
Me: “I don’t feel like I’m getting through to you here.”
Me: “Oh my word! How big of a bite did you take? You can’t even close your mouth.”
Danger Monkey, age 10: (incomprehensible noises)
Wonderful Wife: “That’s unacceptable.”
DM: (spits out much food)
Me: “Dude, that’s way too much. That’s like four bites.”
WW: “That’s eight bites. I think I’m going to be sick.”
Me: “Dude. Gross.”
DM: “What can I say? I have chipmunk ancestry.”
Me: …
Me: “I’m not a genealogist, but as your parents, you’d think we would have already known that.”
Very Vocal Viking 