Danger Monkey, age 10: “Please be quiet.”
Little Miss Thing, age 7: (loud singing)
DM: “Dad, I need to cast Mage Hand to put a magical hand over her mouth.”
Me: “Sorry, buddy. We’re not playing D&D. You’re stuck back there with your sister for the rest of this car ride. Can you maybe think of a better way to resolve this?”
DM: “Yes, but I’m not level 5 so I can’t cast fireball yet.”
LMT: “What…?”
Me: “What…?”
Gate Attendant, looking down at computer terminal: “Yes?”
Me: “I was just wondering… I know you’re busy, but if it’s not too much trouble… I’m in 21B, and row 21 is full… but it looks like row 24 has two open seats next to each other, so I was…”
GA: (still looking down) “Sir, we don’t change seat assignments at the gate.”
Me: “Well, I was just checking because…”
GA: (still looking down) “Sir. I can’t help you.”
(long pause)
Me: “I’m a REALLY big guy.”
GA: (looks up)
GA: (looks up farther)
GA: (slow blink)
GA: “Row 24, you say?”
From the Back Stall, Men’s Room, Newark Int’l Airport, Monday 7:47 PM.
Little Kid: “Ewww. Water’s everywhere.”
Tired Dad: “Ignore it. Remember, don’t touch anything. Nothing.”
LK: “What’s this?”
TD: “WHAT? I JUST SAID… I just said don’t touch anything!”
LK: “It’s wet.”
TD: “NO! I… uh… just stand still. We’ll wash your hands as soon as we get out.”
(long pause)
TD: “WAIT! NO! DON’T… aww, man… don’t touch your face. Please don’t touch your face. Oh God, your mom’s gonna kill me. I’m dead. I’m dead. Wait. No. It’s OK, we’ll just… YOU MUST STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.”
(long pause)
LK: “My nose itches.”
TD: (loud sigh)
TD: “You’re getting booster shots tomorrow.”
Very Vocal Viking 