Me: “I should get you a t-shirt that says ‘I ❤ Haters’.”
My Oldest, Age 14: “The word ‘Haters’ isn’t cool anymore, Dad.”
Me: “So you think I’m out of the loop?”
Oldest: “Look… you’re over forty and still on Facebook, Dad. You can’t even see the loop from where you are.”
Me: (long pause) “Yeah, OK, that’s valid.”
Me: “How was your day at school?”
Danger Monkey, age 8: “Fine.”
Me: “Did you learn anything today?”
DM: “I learned two things. First, never jump backwards off a swing. Second, if you are bleeding you should hold that body part above your heart.”
Me: (slow blink) “Just try to make it to age nine, OK?”
DM: “OK. I’ll try.”
My Oldest, age 14: “And where are you two going tonight on your date?”
Me: “A party.”
Oldest: “Will there be alcohol?”
Me: “Yes.”
Oldest: “Have you made arrangements for a designated driver?”
Me: “Wait… Which one of us is the parent here? This is like good cop / bad cop or something.”
Oldest: “You seem to be avoiding that last question.”
Me: (pause) “Yes, I will not drink so I can drive us home.”
Oldest: “Good. You may leave now.”
Very Vocal Viking 