Let It Flow

Me: (hugging)

Wonderful Wife: “OK, I think the hug is over now.”

Me: “Nope. I’m not done yet.” (hugging)

WW: “I’m done.” (struggling)

Me: “Good. Good. Let the hate flow through you.”

(long pause)

WW: “I don’t think that’s something couples are supposed to say to each other.”

Beefy

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Your beef stew is delicious, but it has too many vegetables.”

Me: “Vegetables are part of the soup. It’s yummy. Eat up.”

DM: “This should be called Vegetable Soup with a tiny bit of beef.”

Me: “Actually, wiseguy, it’s got plenty of…”

DM: “I’m going to make Beef Stew that’s just one kernel of corn and the rest is beef and delicious broth.”

Me: (long pause)

Me: “As your father I’m supposed to correct you, but I would totally eat that.”

Things I Get to Say, episode #4,158

Things I Actually, Really Said:

“No, just because you can fit half an avocado into your mouth does not make it bite-sized.”

“Come downstairs right now and get your giant squid.”

“Being in a bad mood is not a valid justification for physical assault.”

“My pancreas is not a trampoline.”

“Sorry, you can’t be a dog when you grow up. Being a Veterinarian is probably as close as you can get.”

“No one in this family ever calls anyone by the wrong name, Reginald.” [Note: his name is not Reginald]