Growth Expense

Me: “I’m so proud that you kids are growing up and ordering full size entrées. It’s a big deal to move up from kids meals. It’s so cool to watch you mature into young adults with growing bodies and big appetites.”

(bill arrives for family of five)

Me: “Alright, back to kids meals next time.”

Don’t Try This At Home

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I can play the piano with my eyes closed. Someone guide me to the piano.”

Me: “You know, you don’t have to close your eyes until you get to the piano.”

LMT: (long pause)

LMT: “I need a guide dog.”

Me: “The dog is right next to you. Grab her collar and hold on tight. I’ll throw some popcorn over by the piano and you’ll get there in a jiffy.”

LMT: “Sure!” (grabs dog’s collar)

Wonderful Wife: “Uh… Do we really think this a good…”

(popcorn is thrown, dog drags girl across living room)

(stunned silence)

LMT: “That was awesome!”

WW: “If we had filmed that, we would be famous.”

Me: “I love my life.”

Good Reader

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Dad, which are you best at… reading, writing, or math?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “He’s really good at reading.”

Me: “Aww, thanks, honey.”

LMT: “Especially reading on his phone at the dinner table even though he tells us it’s wrong, making him a big hypocrite.”

Me: …