Month: November 2016

Looking Up

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Gate Attendant, looking down at computer terminal: “Yes?”

Me: “I was just wondering… I know you’re busy, but if it’s not too much trouble… I’m in 21B, and row 21 is full… but it looks like row 24 has two open seats next to each other, so I was…”

GA: (still looking down) “Sir, we don’t change seat assignments at the gate.”

Me: “Well, I was just checking because…”

GA: (still looking down) “Sir. I can’t help you.”

(long pause)

Me: “I’m a REALLY big guy.”

GA: (looks up)

GA: (looks up farther)

GA: (slow blink)

GA: “Row 24, you say?”

Stalling

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From the Back Stall, Men’s Room, Newark Int’l Airport, Monday 7:47 PM.

Little Kid: “Ewww. Water’s everywhere.”

Tired Dad: “Ignore it. Remember, don’t touch anything. Nothing.”

LK: “What’s this?”

TD: “WHAT? I JUST SAID… I just said don’t touch anything!”

LK: “It’s wet.”

TD: “NO! I… uh… just stand still. We’ll wash your hands as soon as we get out.”

(long pause)

TD: “WAIT! NO! DON’T… aww, man… don’t touch your face. Please don’t touch your face. Oh God, your mom’s gonna kill me. I’m dead. I’m dead. Wait. No. It’s OK, we’ll just… YOU MUST STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.”

(long pause)

LK: “My nose itches.”

TD: (loud sigh)

TD: “You’re getting booster shots tomorrow.”

Pet the Vet

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Me: “You are smart, and strong, and working hard in school, and that means you can do and be whatever you want when you grow up.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I’m going to be a veterinarian!”

Me: “Oh, good!”

LMT: “I’ll feed all the animals and pet them for about… probably two hours. Then I’ll go home and play with my friends.”

Me: “That sounds nice. I think you’ll make a good Vet. But you know, sometimes the animals are sick and need medicine, or even surgery.”

LMT: “Why?”

Me: “They get sick or hurt just like people do sometimes. And they need a Veterinarian to help them get better.”

(long pause)

LMT: “I’ll pay someone else to do that part.”

Me: “Sounds good.”