Don’t Try This At Home

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I can play the piano with my eyes closed. Someone guide me to the piano.”

Me: “You know, you don’t have to close your eyes until you get to the piano.”

LMT: (long pause)

LMT: “I need a guide dog.”

Me: “The dog is right next to you. Grab her collar and hold on tight. I’ll throw some popcorn over by the piano and you’ll get there in a jiffy.”

LMT: “Sure!” (grabs dog’s collar)

Wonderful Wife: “Uh… Do we really think this a good…”

(popcorn is thrown, dog drags girl across living room)

(stunned silence)

LMT: “That was awesome!”

WW: “If we had filmed that, we would be famous.”

Me: “I love my life.”

Dip Dares

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Mom, you can have my extra Fun Dip.”

Wonderful Wife: “Well, thank you!”

DM: “OK, I’ll tell you how to eat it. It’s a different kind of candy.”

WW: “Oh, honey. I know how to eat Fun Dip. Trust me.”

Me: “Yeah, kiddo. Fun Dip was around even when we were kids.”

WW: “In fact, in high school, I once poured three packets of Fun Dip on a pickle and ate it.”

Me: “Whut.”

DM: “Ewwww! Why?”

WW: “It was a dare. It was absolutely disgusting. Ask Alex Service. I cannot recommend the combo.”

Me: “Son, don’t ever do something on a dare. It never works out.”

DM: “OK. But I want to try Fun Dip on a pickle.”

Me: …

Me: “I don’t feel like I’m getting through to you here.”

Me: “Is it hot in here?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “You should wear a tank top.”

Wonderful Wife: “Please don’t.”

LMT: “Why not?”

WW: “I don’t think it’s an attractive look.”

LMT: “Who cares? You’re already married.”

WW: “Well, I think he is attractive, but not a tank top.”

LMT: “You can get divorced if you don’t like it.”

Me: (slow blink)

WW: (slow blink)

WW: “Hmmm… that’s not how that works.”

LMT: “It’s an option.”