King Solomon on Laundry

Me: “OK, OK… stop arguing. At this point, I don’t care who said what. I just need the hallway cleared. Is there — or is there not — stuff in the hallway between your rooms?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Yes.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Yes.”

Me: “OK, then, who does it belong to?”

DM: “Not me.”

LMT: “Not me.”

Me: “Good! That makes it easy. Let’s gather it all up and give it to charity.”

DM: “I’ll do that right now!” (runs off)

LMT: “DON’T YOU DARE THROW AWAY MY THINGS!!!” (runs off)

Me: …

Me: “I win.”

Oil Be Darned

Me: “What’s that, coconut oil?”

My Oldest, age 15: “It’s amazing for your skin. I put it on several times a day. It fixes everything.”

Me: “Not these elbows.”

Oldest: “No, it fixes everything! Let me see.”

(rubs oil onto elbow)

Oldest: “Wow. That elbow’s gross.”

Me: “C’mon. It’s just rough skin. What about the oil?”

(more oil)

Me: “Told you.”

(more oil)

Oldest: “Congratulations. You defeated coconut oil.”

Me: “I win!”

Oldest: “There are no winners here.”