OK Google

(driving)

Me: “Hey kids, listen to what my phone can do without me even touching it”

(clears throat)

Me: “OK Google, play funk music.”

(Google Assistant plays funk music)

Danger Monkey, age 11: “What else can it do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let’s see. OK Google, play monkey noises.”

(Google plays monkey noises)

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Hey Google! Do a dance!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think…”

DM: “Google, play fart noises!”

LMT: “Google, jump out the window!”

DM: “Google, access Dad’s bank account!”

Me: “Hey now…”

LMT: “Google, take control of the car and drive us to ice cream!”

DM: “Google, transfer $100 from Dad’s checking account and mail it to me!”

Me: “And… we’re done.”

(turns off phone)

Sulking

(wakes up)

Wonderful Wife: “Good morning.”

Me: “Good morning.”

Lump Under Blankets: “Good Morning.”

Me: “Bah! Who is that?”

(throws off blanket)

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “It’s me!”

Me: “When did you get into bed with us?”

LMT: “I had a bad dream.”

WW: “Let’s snuggle a little and then it’s time to clean our rooms and finish packing for our trip.”

LMT: “I don’t want to clean or pack. I’m not going!”

Me: “Well, you can’t stay here.”

LMT: “I’ll run away. I can live in the woods.”

Me: “That escalated quickly.”

WW: “Let’s just snuggle and we’ll talk about it later.”

LMT: “No! I’m going to go sulk in my bed.” (stomps off)

WW: “She might need more sleep.”

Me: “Did she really just use the word sulk?”

WW: “Yes. That’s our girl.”

Me: “God help us all.”