Got an Eyeful

Wonderful Wife: “Time to get your school backpack cleaned out. Let’s get it all put away. Everything in its place!”

(furious digging)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Oh! I’ve been looking everywhere for this.”

WW: “What is it?”

DM: “My eye patch.”

WW: “Does that really belong in your school backpack?”

DM: “No.”

WW: “So… where does it go?”

DM: “Over my eye.”

WW: …

Fries for Fruit

Me: “Young lady, you have to eat all those scrambled eggs you put on your plate.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “But I’m full.”

Me: “You’ve barely eaten, so I’m not sure I believe that.”

LMT: “I don’t feel well. My stomach hurts. I feel hot. I need to go lie down.”

Me: (side eye)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I’ll eat your eggs if I can have some of those french fries you reheated.”

LMT: “Deal!”

Me: “Not so fast…”

LMT: “What?!?”

Me: “It’s not about trading. It’s my job to make sure each of you gets enough nutrition, and protein, and fiber, and all that stuff. You can’t just trade willy-nilly. And, I’d like to point out that I wasn’t a fan of you reheating your french fries at breakfast, and I told you specifically to not fill up on fries before you ate the solid stuff.”

(long pause)

LMT: “OK, if he eats my eggs, I’ll eat more cantaloupe.”

DM: “If I can eat her fries, I’ll clear the table by myself when we’re done.”

(long pause)

Me: “I will allow this… if I get some of the french fries.”

LMT: “Deal!”

DM: “Deal!”

(furious swapping)

Me: “We might be a family of gamers.”

DM: “Isn’t it great?”


Foiled Again

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Can I have one of my chocolates now? You said after dinner.”

Wonderful Wife: “Sure. Leave the rest right here by me.”

LMT: “Awesome!” (starts away)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

LMT: (stops in her tracks)

LMT: “I’ll take this with me.”

WW: (side eye at the boy)

WW: “Foiled again.”