Things I Get To Say, School Carnival Edition

Things I Get To Say, School Carnival Edition:

“No, licking off the icing and throwing away the cupcake is not ‘Low Carb’.”

“It’s pronounced BYOOT. There is no such place as BUTT Montana.”

“You can keep the balloons in your shirt, but you must stop yelling, ‘I’VE GOT BOOBS’.”

Home Worked Up

4 pm
Me: “Welcome home from school! Any homework tonight?”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”

5 pm
Me: “Looks like you’re having fun. If you have homework, you could do it now.”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”

6 pm
Me: “Almost dinner time. If you have homework now would be a nice, calm time to do it.”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”

7 pm
Me: “Getting late. You should do any homework you might have.”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”

8 pm
Me: “OK, bed time. Last chance to do homework.”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”
Me: “Really? Are you sure? You really don’t have homework?”
Child: “Nope! I don’t have homework today!”
Me: “OK, let’s get you tucked in for the night.”

8:22 pm
Me: “Why are you back downstairs? I already tucked you in.”
Child: “I just remembered I have homework. If I don’t turn it in tomorrow, I have to repeat the fifth grade. Oh, and we need sixteen pounds of sugar, a handmade broccoli costume, twenty-seven strings of yellow Xmas lights, and a live moose.”

All done

I feel I have worked enough for one lifetime. I would now like to retire and live out my days in relative quiet. Maybe write a novel or that zombie screenplay I’ve been trying to get onto paper. Mainly just sleep in and volunteer at community stuff and whatever school or events my kids are currently into. Anyone have a spare $1M? I promise to be incredibly grateful.