Faulty

My Oldest, Age 15: (climbing into car) “What took you so long? I almost froze to death.”

Me: “Sorry. But, let’s be clear, I was only five minutes late.”

Oldest: “Except it’s February and now I have frostbite.”

Me: “Well, you would have been fine if you had a sweater or coat on.”

Oldest: “Yeah, like that’s my fault.”

Me: …

Medical Thing

My Oldest, age 15: “I’m so tired.”

Me: “You’re always tired.”

MO: “It’s a teenager thing. I have too much homework.”

Me: “It could be a medical thing.”

MO: “It’s not a medical thing.”

Me: “Try this… if you put your head down on the table right now, could you go to sleep?”

MO: “No, definitely not. Maybe. Yeah, probably. But it’s NOT medical.”

Me: “You should get tested for sleep apnea. I have a really bad case. It can be hereditary.”

MO: “It’s not medical! I’m just tired!”

Me: “You seem irritable. That’s a symptom.”

MO: “I hate you.”

Positivity

Ltitle Miss Thing, age 6: “Mom, he’s not doing dishes right.”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “Well, she’s not doing her fair share.”

Wonderful Wife: “Guys, can we be more positive, please?”

DM: “I’m positive she’s not doing her fair share.”

LMT: “I’m positive you stink.”