Oh I’m Sure

(arriving at Chinese buffet)

Young Hostess: “How many in your party tonight?”

Me: “Just me, but I promise to eat a lot.”

YH: “Oh, I’m sure.”

Me: (chuckle)

YH: (eyes wide) “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it like… I wasn’t saying that you’re…”

Me: “It’s OK. I thought it was funny.”

YH: “Oh, thank God. Some people are really sensitive about stuff like that.”

Me: “It’s all good. I’m not sensitive like that.”

YH: “Good. You don’t look sensitive at all.”

Me: “Well, it’s good to know I don’t look sensitive.”

YH: “Oh God! I did it again! I didn’t mean it like that.”

Me: “It’s totally cool. I didn’t take it the wrong way.”

(long pause)

Me: “Can I have a table?”

YH: “Oh, right. Follow me.”

Inspiration

Wonderful Wife: “What’s for dinner?”

Me: “I want to eat out, but I’m too tired to go anywhere. Let’s have food delivered.”

WW: “Sure thing. What do you want?”

Me: “I want food delivered.”

WW: “Yeah, but what type of food.”

Me: “I want the type of food that shows up in front of me.”

WW: “Anything?”

Me: “I’m too tired to even choose.”

WW: “Wow. Are you up to chewing it yourself?”

Me: “I’ll struggle through it.”

WW: “You’re a real inspiration to us all.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Los Pies De Papá Apestan

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Are we home yet?”

Me: “Almost. Maybe an hour.”

LMT: “I’m bored.”

Wonderful Wife: “Here’s an app called Duolingo. You can learn Spanish.”

LMT: “I don’t want to learn Spanish. I’m bored.”

WW: “Probably best. If you learned Spanish, you and your sister could speak Spanish together.”

Me: “Yeah, you better not learn Spanish. You two could say things like ‘Daddy’s Feet Stink’ in Spanish and I wouldn’t even know it.”

LMT: “Give me that!” (evil laughter)

(30 minutes later)

LMT: “I’m now 3% fluent in Spanish. Soy una niña. That means ‘I’m a girl’.”

Me: “Yep. You sure tricked us. Better not learn any more Spanish.”

LMT: (evil laughter)