Me: “Oh my word! How big of a bite did you take? You can’t even close your mouth.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: (incomprehensible noises)

Wonderful Wife: “That’s unacceptable.”

DM: (spits out much food)

Me: “Dude, that’s way too much. That’s like four bites.”

WW: “That’s eight bites. I think I’m going to be sick.”

Me: “Dude. Gross.”

DM: “What can I say? I have chipmunk ancestry.”

Me: …

Me: “I’m not a genealogist, but as your parents, you’d think we would have already known that.”