Killing me Softly

Me: “I hate going to bed sick.”

Wonderful Wife: “Here, have some NyQuil Severe.”

Me: (slurp)

Me: “Aaack! It burns so much going down! Did it finally happen? Did you just poison me for the insurance money?”

WW: “No. If I ever poison you, I’ll choose poison that makes you die quietly without complaining so much.”

Me: “Good to know.”

All The Glitters

Me: “Love you.”

My Oldest, age 14: “How much?”

Me: “Should you die, I will avenge your death in a murderous rage.”

Oldest: “Good… But don’t get caught. And try to invent a poison that makes them cough up glitter as they die.”

Me: “As you wish.”