Water Brush

Me: “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Yes.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “No.”

Me: “Well, go do it right now, mister.”

DM: “Hey, where is the toothpaste?”

LMT: “I don’t know. I couldn’t find any.”

Me: “I thought you brushed your teeth?”

LMT: “Sometimes water is good enough.”

Me: “Uh… No.”

Quietly Humming

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Mom told me to help you with dinner.”

Me: “Uh… I’m just heating up chili. Maybe you can make peanut butter sandwiches for everyone?”

LMT: “I’ve made a lot of them lately. I’m pretty good at it.”

Me: “I’m sure you are.”

LMT: (making sandwiches, quietly humming)

LMT: “Do I have to eat those carrots? We had them for lunch.”

Me: “You had carrots at lunch? Really?”

LMT: “Yes.”

Me: (glaring)

LMT: “We did!”

Me: (glaring intensifies)

LMT: “At lunch… about a month ago.”

Me: “That’s more like it. Tell you what, I sliced up a red bell pepper for Mom. You can eat that or carrots.”

LMT: “Ewwwww… I’ll take carrots. Definitely carrots.”

LMT: (quietly humming)

LMT: “Should I put butter on all of them?”

Me: “On the carrots?”

LMT: “No, the bread.”

Me: “Butter? Don’t you mean peanut butter?”

LMT: “I just call it butter now. I don’t know why.”

Me: “OK, sure. Whatever you call it, it goes on all the sandwiches. That’s why we call them peanut butter sandwiches.”

LMT: “Right, butter sandwiches.”

Me: …

Me: “Call it whatever you want. Just do it.”

LMT: (quietly humming)

LMT: “Do I have to eat chili?”

Me: “Yes.”

LMT: “Why? It’s a free country.”

Me: “Not when you’re a kid, it’s not.”

LMT: “That’s not fair.”

Me: “It really isn’t. Wait… Where’s the red pepper I just sliced?”

LMT: “I ate it.”

Me: “All of it?”

LMT: “Yeah. It’s my favorite.”

Me: …

LMT: (quietly humming)

Wise Cracker

Me: “Please don’t eat any of those crackers.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “OK.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “OK.” (cracker dust sprays)

Me: “Uhhh… Do you have a mouthful of crackers?”

LMT: “Mmm… no.” (cracker dust sprays)

Me: “Then what’s in your mouth?”

LMT: “Mmm… just air.” (cracker dust sprays)

Me: “Then why does it smell like crackers every time you talk?”

LMT: …

LMT: “It’s cracker flavored air.”