OK Google

(driving)

Me: “Hey kids, listen to what my phone can do without me even touching it”

(clears throat)

Me: “OK Google, play funk music.”

(Google Assistant plays funk music)

Danger Monkey, age 11: “What else can it do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let’s see. OK Google, play monkey noises.”

(Google plays monkey noises)

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Hey Google! Do a dance!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think…”

DM: “Google, play fart noises!”

LMT: “Google, jump out the window!”

DM: “Google, access Dad’s bank account!”

Me: “Hey now…”

LMT: “Google, take control of the car and drive us to ice cream!”

DM: “Google, transfer $100 from Dad’s checking account and mail it to me!”

Me: “And… we’re done.”

(turns off phone)

Surprise Me

(driving)

Kids: “Where are we going?”

Me: “It’s a surprise.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Give us a hint.”

Me: “No.”

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “If it’s cleaning port-a-potties, I’m going to be really mad.”

Me: “It’s not cleaning port-a-potties.”

LMT: “Is it Chuck E Cheez?”

Me: “No, it’s better than Chuck E. Cheez.”

DM: “Well, that doesn’t narrow it down much. Everything is better than Chuck E. Cheez.”

Out of Work

Me: “Well, after a long day of hard work restoring my laptop, at least I can maybe be productive for the last hour of the workday.”

(phone rings)

Me: “Hello?”

Phone: “Hi, this is the school. Little Miss Thing and five of her friends stayed after for Girl Scouts, but there is no Girl Scouts meeting tonight. Can you please come get her?”

Me: …