To Whom It Concerns

(at county fair)

Me: “Alright, let’s go to the booth back in the corner with all the crazy desserts.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “No, I’m not ready for ice cream yet.”

Me: “Well, maybe it’s not for you. I’m going to get a funnel cake.”

LMT: “I hate funnel cake.”

(side eye)

Me: “I don’t think you actually hate funnel cake. I think you just don’t remember how awesome it is. I’m definitely going to share it, so you are welcome to try some.”

LMT: “You’re going to share it with who?”

Me: “With WHOM.”

LMT: “I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you!”

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She’s Colorful

(at restaurant, waiting for food)

Me: “Hey Honey, I bought ice cream earlier so we can have dessert at home tonight.”

Wonderful Wife: “Not until after chores. This one has lots of chores tonight, right kiddo?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (intently coloring place mat)

WW: “Someone put off all her chores until the last minute. Isn’t that right, young lady?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “Did you not hear your Mom speaking to you?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “She probably didn’t hear about the ice cream, either.”

LMT: “Of course I heard the part about ice cream. I’m only sitting like two feet away from you.”

Me: “So, you also heard the part about chores.”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Soured Cream

Me: “OK, kids. Lets have a little learning experience. I’ll give you a choice. We can all get milkshakes here at the restaurant and pay $20, or we can buy two big things of ice cream at a grocery store on the way home for $10 and eat ice cream every night all week.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I vote for milkshakes here.”

Me: “Really? You’re usually the one who prefers getting a bargain.”

DM: “It’s not a bargain when I think you’ll eat all the ice cream at home.”

Me: (glaring)

My Oldest, age 16: “So, Dad, how are you enjoying your learning experience?”

Me: (glaring intensifies)