Hidden Ranch

Me: “You have to eat some broccoli.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I HATE BROCCOLI!”

Me: “It’s the only veggie option at this restaurant, so you have to have at least a couple bites.”

(long pause)

LMT: “Can I dip it in ranch?”

Me: “Uh… Sure.”

LMT: (noisily scarfs two large servings of broccoli with ranch)

LMT: “I love broccoli! Can I have some more?”

Me: (blank stare)

Me: “Why did we never think of this until now?”

Wonderful Wife: “I’ve used that trick for years.”

(long pause)

Me: “I have only myself to blame.”


Totally My Fault

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Can we order dessert?”

Me: “Uh, no. This meal is not nutritious enough already. I got wings, you got chicken fingers, he ordered a cheeseburger, and we’re all eating fries.”

LMT: “Pretty please?”

Me: “No, you ordered lemonade. That’s basically a dessert.  Also, we have ice cream at home. I mean, look — none of us have eaten anything even resembling a fruit or veggie tonight.”

(long pause)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “What if we order some fruits and veggies? Then can we get dessert?”

Me: “This is not that kind of place. They don’t even sell fruits and veggies.”

LMT: “Well, it is called Buffalo Wild Wings, not Veggie Palace. You should have known better when you brought us here.”

Me: …

He Means Everything

Me: “Make sure you get some fruits and veggies in addition to the General Tso’s chicken. It’s a buffet but we still need to get fruits and veggies.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I will. I just love General Tso’s.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought you’d grow out of it eventually, but you’re still loving it. I’m going to start calling you General Tso.”

DM: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because you are what you eat.” (snicker)

DM: “Really? Then why don’t we call you Everything?”