Danger Monkey, age 9: “What is this?” (pokes with fork)
Me: “Those are grilled onions, my son. I noticed you’ve been eating raw onions for the last few weeks, so figured you should try them the way they should be eaten: slowly fried until they are golden, caramelized and delicious.”
DM: “But, now they don’t give me a breath weapon.”
Me: (slow blink)
Me: “Noted.”
Danger Monkey, age 9: “Hey Dad!”
Me: “Whats up, son?”
DM: “You won’t believe it! We found a place in the woods that’s super soggy like a swamp. And it’s covered in these huge briars that scrape your skin really bad. And you have to crawl on your belly in the mud just to get through.”
Me: “Then why are you crawling through it?”
DM: “It’s our new clubhouse! It’s PERFECT!” (runs off)
Danger Monkey, age 9: “You say a lot of things you don’t actually mean.”
Me: “It’s called sarcasm. Learn it now because our family lives on it.”
DM: “That doesn’t make sense. Also, can we pull over? I have to go really bad.”
Me: “We just left a restaurant! We have like 20 minutes until we get home.”
DM: “Crap.”
Me: “Not in my car you don’t. Also, don’t say crap.”
DM: “You say it a lot.”
Me: “Yes, but I’m 45 with a beard and a job.”
DM: “What does a beard have to do with it?”
Me: “Because I’m an authority figure.”
DM: “Sure you are.”
(pause)
DM: “That was sarcasm.”
Me: “I know.”
(pause)
Me: “I’m proud of you.”
DM: “I know.”
Very Vocal Viking 