We’ve Never Not Had Kids

Wonderful Wife: “Good morning, dear. Be warned, we have kids in the bed who may or may not be about to…”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “CANNONBALL!!!”

(jumps onto my middle)

Me: “Oof. What a way to wake up. Wait… who’s pulling my arm hair?”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I’m not pulling your hair. I’m just hugging you… one hair at a time.”

Me: …

WW: “Well, honey, do you feel loved?”

Me: “I feel… a knee in my spleen.”

WW: “Same thing.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure morning snuggles are supposed to be calm and loving.”

WW: “Are you sure? Have you checked the manual lately?”

LMT: “I think that was how snuggles were before you had kids.”

Me: “We’ve never not had kids.”

Letter of the Law

(at dinner)

Me: “OK, kids. I’m going up to pay the bill. Make sure you behave while I’m away.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “What exactly do you mean by BEHAVE?”

Me: “Oh, you know. Be quiet and respectful. Don’t yell bad words or have a fistfight. Don’t juggle bowling balls.”

LMT: “Does that include setting fires?”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Yeah – you didn’t mention not juggling FLAMING bowling balls.”

LMT: “You didn’t say to not run away and join the circus.”

DM: “You didn’t say we can’t break up the furniture and make bows and arrows out of it.”

LMT: “You didn’t say to not turn off all the restaurant lights and yell POWER OUTAGE!”

DM: “You didn’t say to not run across other people’s food.”

Me: “On second thought, maybe you two should just come with me.”

Me: “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Yes.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “No.”

Me: “Well, go do it right now, mister.”

DM: “Hey, where is the toothpaste?”

LMT: “I don’t know. I couldn’t find any.”

Me: “I thought you brushed your teeth?”

LMT: “Sometimes water is good enough.”

Me: “Uh… No.”