I’m A Giver

(at county fair)

(walking past a booth)

Booth Lady: “You are wonderful.”

Me: “Um… OK.”

BL: “I’ve seen how much food you’re buying, and only from the local charity booths.”

Me: “Yeah, I try to support the local stuff. It’s a great way to help out, and I get to eat lots of fun food.”

BL: “So, who all are you buying the food for? Your family? Or are you here with a group?”

Me: “Well, actually… mostly just me.”

BL: “WHOA. You ate ALL of that?”

Me: “No, not all of it. I shared.”

BL: …

Me: “I mean, I ate most of it.”

(long pause)

BL: “Well, the charities all appreciate you.”

Me: “I like to make an impact.”

Shake It Up

(at county fair)

Me: “Here, shake some salt on Mom’s corn on the cob.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I’m a good shaker.”

Me: “Yes, you have mad skills. Now salt the other side.”

LMT: “NO! DON’T TURN IT OVER!”

Me: “Honey, we have to turn it over so you can salt that side, too.”

LMT: “I can do it.”

Me: “No, you can’t shake salt up.”

LMT: “I can do it. Watch.”

(violent shaking in upward motion)

(seventeen grains of salt eventually hit the corn)

LMT: “I told you.”

Me: “I should have never doubted you.”

To Whom It Concerns

(at county fair)

Me: “Alright, let’s go to the booth back in the corner with all the crazy desserts.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “No, I’m not ready for ice cream yet.”

Me: “Well, maybe it’s not for you. I’m going to get a funnel cake.”

LMT: “I hate funnel cake.”

(side eye)

Me: “I don’t think you actually hate funnel cake. I think you just don’t remember how awesome it is. I’m definitely going to share it, so you are welcome to try some.”

LMT: “You’re going to share it with who?”

Me: “With WHOM.”

LMT: “I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you!”