Danger Monkey, age 9: “Why did the superhero go to the restroom?”
Little Miss Thing, age 6: “He had to poop? Pee? Both!”
DM: “No, don’t ruin my joke. Why did the superhero go to the restroom?”
LMT: “I don’t know. Why?”
DM: “He was doing his duty.”
LMT: “Was he a super pooper?”
DM: “OK, that’s funnier than mine.”
LMT: “I know.”
Me: “OK, son. We’re going to a very authentic Chinese restaurant. You need to keep a VERY open mind. They serve food items that you’ve probably never considered eating. But don’t make a big deal about it because that would be very insensitive. It’s totally normal to people from other countries.”
Danger Monkey, age 9: (wide eyed) “Really? Like… what?”
Me: “Well, like tendons… and knuckles… and tripe. Have you heard of tripe? It’s stomach lining.”
DM: “WHAT!!! You’re kidding me, right?”
Me: “No, very serious. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Some of the stuff seems completely wild, but it’s totally normal where they grew up.”
DM: (long pause) “No, I really don’t want to eat somebody’s stomach.”
Me: “Um, OK… it’s not people stomachs. Just pig stomachs.”
DM: “Oh! Then it sounds cool. I’ll try it.”
Wonderful Wife: “Please rub my arm. I think I may have pulled a bicep muscle.”
Me: (rubbing arm)
WW: “ow ow ow it hurts ow it hurts I’m going to pass out I’m going to pass out I’m going to punch you in the face and then I’m going to pass out.”
Me: “You get very violent when you’re in pain.”
WW: “Actually, I always want to punch something. The fact that I haven’t punched you yet is very remarkable.”
Me: (slow blink) “You really should write Hallmark cards.”
WW: “I really should.”
Very Vocal Viking 