The Clean Version

Danger Monkey, age 11, buckling seat belt: “Do we have to take your car?”

Me: “What’s wrong with my car?”

DM: “It’s just really messy back here.”

Me: “And why is that?”

DM: “Well, you’re not as strict as Mom on leaving things in the car, so really it’s your fault.”

(long pause)

Me: “Soooo… I haven’t even put the car into gear yet… and you’re complaining that your area is messy… because I don’t make you clean up your mess.”

DM: “Yes, exactly.”

(long pause)

Me: “Alright, then unbuckle your seat belt.”

DM: “Yes! We’re taking Mom’s car!”

Me: “Uh… no. You’re cleaning up your mess.”

DM: “Aw, man.”

Me: “How did you think this was going to end any other way?”

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OK Google

(driving)

Me: “Hey kids, listen to what my phone can do without me even touching it”

(clears throat)

Me: “OK Google, play funk music.”

(Google Assistant plays funk music)

Danger Monkey, age 11: “What else can it do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let’s see. OK Google, play monkey noises.”

(Google plays monkey noises)

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Hey Google! Do a dance!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think…”

DM: “Google, play fart noises!”

LMT: “Google, jump out the window!”

DM: “Google, access Dad’s bank account!”

Me: “Hey now…”

LMT: “Google, take control of the car and drive us to ice cream!”

DM: “Google, transfer $100 from Dad’s checking account and mail it to me!”

Me: “And… we’re done.”

(turns off phone)

Surprise Me

(driving)

Kids: “Where are we going?”

Me: “It’s a surprise.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Give us a hint.”

Me: “No.”

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “If it’s cleaning port-a-potties, I’m going to be really mad.”

Me: “It’s not cleaning port-a-potties.”

LMT: “Is it Chuck E Cheez?”

Me: “No, it’s better than Chuck E. Cheez.”

DM: “Well, that doesn’t narrow it down much. Everything is better than Chuck E. Cheez.”