Category: People Watching

Career Coach

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My Oldest, age 15: “I’ve decided I want to have my own business when I grow up.”

Me: “That’s a great goal. Why are you driving so slowly here? It’s 55. You can go faster.”

Oldest: “I’m not sure what type of business yet.”

Me: “There’s plenty of time to choose an area of expertise. Careful… Careful… The road gets really narrow up ahead.”

Oldest: “Maybe I’ll go to business school.”

Me: “Watch out for that guy in that little red car… OH NICE TURN SIGNAL JERK FACE!!!”

Oldest: “Are you OK? You’re not even the one driving.”

Me: “Whatever. You know, I’ve always dreamed of owning my own business.”

Oldest: “Really?”

Me: “Maybe I’ll open a driving school for all these bad drivers.”

Oldest: “I… uh… I don’t think that’s suited to your skillset.”

Cashed Out

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Cashier: “Do you want a bag for this?”

Me: “No, thank you. It’s just trail mix and Gatorade. I can handle it.”

Cashier: “Do you want a receipt?”

Me: “No thanks.”

Cashier: (starts bagging my stuff)

Me: “Uh, no thanks. I don’t want a bag.”

Cashier: “What?”

Me: “You asked me like 12 seconds ago and I said no bag, please.”

Cashier: “Wow. Ok, no bag. Wow.”

Cashier: (removes items from plastic bag)

Me: “Thanks.”

Cashier: (holds out receipt)

Me: …

Me: (grabs items and runs)

Diner Views

VeryVocalVikingLeave a comment

I’m eating my cheap omelet in a diner where “with cheese” means a pale yellow square of American slapped on top. I can still see the wrinkles pressed into the “cheese” from the recently removed cellophane wrapper.

Eddie Rabbit’s “I Love a Rainy Night” rattles quietly above from crackling, overworked speakers.

The too-friendly waitress buzzes, smiling, from table to booth, flaming red fingernails highlighting all the yellow-gold rings on each hand.

Next to me four white-haired, gravel-voiced older men in work clothes loudly discuss old cars, old girlfriends, and how the government should be doing more to protect “intersex people.”

Wait… wut?

I love this town.