Month: April 2017

Career Coach

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My Oldest, age 15: “I’ve decided I want to have my own business when I grow up.”

Me: “That’s a great goal. Why are you driving so slowly here? It’s 55. You can go faster.”

Oldest: “I’m not sure what type of business yet.”

Me: “There’s plenty of time to choose an area of expertise. Careful… Careful… The road gets really narrow up ahead.”

Oldest: “Maybe I’ll go to business school.”

Me: “Watch out for that guy in that little red car… OH NICE TURN SIGNAL JERK FACE!!!”

Oldest: “Are you OK? You’re not even the one driving.”

Me: “Whatever. You know, I’ve always dreamed of owning my own business.”

Oldest: “Really?”

Me: “Maybe I’ll open a driving school for all these bad drivers.”

Oldest: “I… uh… I don’t think that’s suited to your skillset.”

Cashed Out

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Cashier: “Do you want a bag for this?”

Me: “No, thank you. It’s just trail mix and Gatorade. I can handle it.”

Cashier: “Do you want a receipt?”

Me: “No thanks.”

Cashier: (starts bagging my stuff)

Me: “Uh, no thanks. I don’t want a bag.”

Cashier: “What?”

Me: “You asked me like 12 seconds ago and I said no bag, please.”

Cashier: “Wow. Ok, no bag. Wow.”

Cashier: (removes items from plastic bag)

Me: “Thanks.”

Cashier: (holds out receipt)

Me: …

Me: (grabs items and runs)

Blurty Blurter

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Wonderful Wife: “How was school today, Son?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “He went to the…”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Nooooooo!!! I forbid you from saying anything for me!!!”

Me: “Whoa, man. Let’s not command your sister.”

DM: “Why not? It’s important.”

Me: “Because if you ask politely, I’ll help you enforce it. If you shout commands, you’re on your own.”

DM: (deep thinking)

DM: “Can you please not blurt out details of my day?”

LMT: “Sure.”

Me: “There. Doesn’t that seem better?”

DM: “No. She’s a blurty blurter. I don’t think she’ll stop without a threat.”

Me: “Believe it or not, it’s not about her. It’s about how we treat people. You’ll get better results with polite requests.”

DM: (dubious look) “We’ll see.”