Sounds Like Marriage

(I drop the salt)

Wonderful Wife: “That was sorta clumsy of you.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

WW: “You can’t just decide to not hear something.”

Me: “It is the sovereign right of all husbands to not hear anything we don’t want to hear.

It’s been that way since marriage was invented.”

WW: “That’s not how that works. That’s not how any of this works.”

(long pause)

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”


Got an Eyeful

Wonderful Wife: “Time to get your school backpack cleaned out. Let’s get it all put away. Everything in its place!”

(furious digging)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Oh! I’ve been looking everywhere for this.”

WW: “What is it?”

DM: “My eye patch.”

WW: “Does that really belong in your school backpack?”

DM: “No.”

WW: “So… where does it go?”

DM: “Over my eye.”

WW: …