The Guy Rules

Danger Monkey, age 9: “Let’s use this locker so we’ll be close to the pool.”

Me: “No, it’s not polite to choose a locker next to the only naked stranger in the whole locker room.”

(naked stranger laughs)

… (later) …

DM: “Dad, why did that guy laugh?”

Me: “Because every guy learned all the unwritten locker room rules from his Dad, so it’s funny to hear some other kid learning them. It’s a happy memory.”

DM: “There are more rules?”

Me: “So many rules.”

DM: “I didn’t know locker rooms were so complicated.”

Me: “Oh yeah, locker rooms are one of the most complicated places on the planet.”

DM: “Ugh.”

Me: “I agree.”

You couldn’t pay me

Phone call six days prior to tell My Oldest to be sure to bring her swimsuit on our trip so she can swim in the hotel: Check.

Email four days prior to remind her: Check.

Multiple text message reminders: Check.

Shopping for a swimsuit on Black Friday… In Chicago… In the bleeping WINTER when no one stocks swimsuits… PRICELESS.

Knowledge is Power

Wonderful Wife: “We’re going swimming at the Lake!”

Me: “Better be careful of the sharks.”

Little Miss Thing, age 4 : “REALLY??!!?”

Danger Monkey, age 7: “Sharks live in salt water. The Lake is fresh water. There are no sharks.”

Me: “Don’t make me regret giving you all those science books.”