Sounds Like Marriage

(I drop the salt)

Wonderful Wife: “That was sorta clumsy of you.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

WW: “You can’t just decide to not hear something.”

Me: “It is the sovereign right of all husbands to not hear anything we don’t want to hear.

It’s been that way since marriage was invented.”

WW: “That’s not how that works. That’s not how any of this works.”

(long pause)

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

She’s Colorful

(at restaurant, waiting for food)

Me: “Hey Honey, I bought ice cream earlier so we can have dessert at home tonight.”

Wonderful Wife: “Not until after chores. This one has lots of chores tonight, right kiddo?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (intently coloring place mat)

WW: “Someone put off all her chores until the last minute. Isn’t that right, young lady?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “Did you not hear your Mom speaking to you?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “She probably didn’t hear about the ice cream, either.”

LMT: “Of course I heard the part about ice cream. I’m only sitting like two feet away from you.”

Me: “So, you also heard the part about chores.”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Herd Heard

My Oldest, age 16: “What is all that noise upstairs? Those kids were tucked in an hour ago. How can you not hear all that stomping? Are they having a dance party? Please tell me you can hear that.”

Me: “If I hear it, then I have to do something about it. Do you want to do something about it?”

(long pause)

My Oldest: “You’re right. I can’t hear a thing.”