Big Help

(at tuck-ins)

Me: “Hey, I’m thinking about writing a book that centers around a giant Viking Dad and all the crazy things his kids do.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Cool. Will I be in it?”

Me: “Well, I’m thinking of making the family in the book kind of like our family but not exactly like our family, so that people can tell the difference between the book and real life.”

DM: “Like how?”

Me: “Actually, I’m thinking in the book the Viking Dad will have an older daughter and a younger daughter, but instead of one son, he’ll have two twin sons, both 10 years old.”

DM: “Hmm… Will they look like me and talk like me?”

Me: “A little, but not really. They’ll be fictional. I’m thinking one will love to be out in the woods and make forts, but the other one will just stay inside and read and play video games.”

DM: “That’s perfect! That’s like my two sides because I like both those things!”

Me: “Yeah, exactly. I thought you’d like that.”

DM: “Can the woods boy live in a tree house he built himself?”

Me: “That’s an option, I suppose. Really for now I’m wondering if you can help me come up with names for those two boys.”

DM: “Yes! Name them Shade and Shadow!”

Me: “Uh…”

DM: “No… even better – Blaze and Knight!”

Me: “I was thinking more like, uh, Roger, and maybe, you know, Timothy, or something.”

DM: (long pause)

DM: “l think you’re going to need a lot of my help, Dad.”

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Cite Your Sources

Me: “What? Why are you downstairs? I tucked you in 15 minutes ago.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “You didn’t do it right.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

LMT: (produces book)

Me: “What’s this? The American Girls Babysitting Guide Book?”

LMT: “Page 61. It says when you tuck in children, you should sit and read to them.”

Me: “Well, that’s more of a suggest…”

LMT: (running up stairs) “I already have a book picked out for you.”

Me: …

Wonderful Wife: “She did provide documentation.”

Me: “I blame you.”

Uneasy Reader

Me: “Time for lights out.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (keeps reading)

Me: “I can see you reading.”

LMT: (keeps reading)

Me: “Lights out. For real.”

LMT: (keeps reading)

Me: “Time for sleep. Book down now. Go to sleep.”

LMT: (keeps reading)

Me: “It would be nice to be acknowledged.”

LMT: “You know what would be nice? Reading uninterrupted.”

Me: …

Me: (turns off the light, heads downstairs)

Me: “Goodnight, kiddo.”

LMT: “You’re mean!”

Me: “I love you, too.”