Door Jam

Me: “Hey! Who left the back door totally open? The air conditioning costs money, you know!”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Sorry. I forgot to close it.”

Me: “Please try harder to remember in the future. It really does cost money.”

DM: “OK. Sorry. I’ll go close it.”

Me: “No, I’m closer. I’ll close it for you. And, actually, it’s starting to rain, so I’ll just go out and put the cover on my grill real quick.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “In your UNDERWEAR?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

LMT: “You can’t go outside in your underwear!”

Me: “We live out in the woods and hardly anyone can see our back deck. And what’s the difference between boxer shorts and swimming trunks?”

LMT: “I think it’s a really bad idea.”

DM: “Yeah, Dad. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Me: “Well, guess what. Just to clear things up around here, I’m the Dad and I’ve been around the block a time or two. I think I can make this type of decision for myself. Trust me, it’s not as big a deal as you think. But thanks for your input and your concern.”

Me: (steps outside)

(door slams behind me, lock loudly clicks)

Me: “Uh…”

(much laughter behind the door)

(so much laughter)

(mass hysterics)

(long pause)

(rain starts to fall)

Me: “I really should have seen that coming.”



Big Help

(at tuck-ins)

Me: “Hey, I’m thinking about writing a book that centers around a giant Viking Dad and all the crazy things his kids do.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Cool. Will I be in it?”

Me: “Well, I’m thinking of making the family in the book kind of like our family but not exactly like our family, so that people can tell the difference between the book and real life.”

DM: “Like how?”

Me: “Actually, I’m thinking in the book the Viking Dad will have an older daughter and a younger daughter, but instead of one son, he’ll have two twin sons, both 10 years old.”

DM: “Hmm… Will they look like me and talk like me?”

Me: “A little, but not really. They’ll be fictional. I’m thinking one will love to be out in the woods and make forts, but the other one will just stay inside and read and play video games.”

DM: “That’s perfect! That’s like my two sides because I like both those things!”

Me: “Yeah, exactly. I thought you’d like that.”

DM: “Can the woods boy live in a tree house he built himself?”

Me: “That’s an option, I suppose. Really for now I’m wondering if you can help me come up with names for those two boys.”

DM: “Yes! Name them Shade and Shadow!”

Me: “Uh…”

DM: “No… even better – Blaze and Knight!”

Me: “I was thinking more like, uh, Roger, and maybe, you know, Timothy, or something.”

DM: (long pause)

DM: “l think you’re going to need a lot of my help, Dad.”


Danger Monkey, age 9: “Hey Dad!”

Me: “Whats up, son?”

DM: “You won’t believe it! We found a place in the woods that’s super soggy like a swamp. And it’s covered in these huge briars that scrape your skin really bad. And you have to crawl on your belly in the mud just to get through.”

Me: “Then why are you crawling through it?”

DM: “It’s our new clubhouse! It’s PERFECT!” (runs off)