Hidden Ranch

Me: “You have to eat some broccoli.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I HATE BROCCOLI!”

Me: “It’s the only veggie option at this restaurant, so you have to have at least a couple bites.”

(long pause)

LMT: “Can I dip it in ranch?”

Me: “Uh… Sure.”

LMT: (noisily scarfs two large servings of broccoli with ranch)

LMT: “I love broccoli! Can I have some more?”

Me: (blank stare)

Me: “Why did we never think of this until now?”

Wonderful Wife: “I’ve used that trick for years.”

(long pause)

Me: “I have only myself to blame.”


Oh I’m Sure

(arriving at Chinese buffet)

Young Hostess: “How many in your party tonight?”

Me: “Just me, but I promise to eat a lot.”

YH: “Oh, I’m sure.”

Me: (chuckle)

YH: (eyes wide) “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it like… I wasn’t saying that you’re…”

Me: “It’s OK. I thought it was funny.”

YH: “Oh, thank God. Some people are really sensitive about stuff like that.”

Me: “It’s all good. I’m not sensitive like that.”

YH: “Good. You don’t look sensitive at all.”

Me: “Well, it’s good to know I don’t look sensitive.”

YH: “Oh God! I did it again! I didn’t mean it like that.”

Me: “It’s totally cool. I didn’t take it the wrong way.”

(long pause)

Me: “Can I have a table?”

YH: “Oh, right. Follow me.”

She’s Colorful

(at restaurant, waiting for food)

Me: “Hey Honey, I bought ice cream earlier so we can have dessert at home tonight.”

Wonderful Wife: “Not until after chores. This one has lots of chores tonight, right kiddo?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (intently coloring place mat)

WW: “Someone put off all her chores until the last minute. Isn’t that right, young lady?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “Did you not hear your Mom speaking to you?”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)

Me: “She probably didn’t hear about the ice cream, either.”

LMT: “Of course I heard the part about ice cream. I’m only sitting like two feet away from you.”

Me: “So, you also heard the part about chores.”

LMT: (intently coloring place mat)