Lunch was Indian Buffet. But it was about to close, so I ate really fast. And they didn’t seem to have AC. Also, I got something super spicy and sweated through most of the meal. So I’m going to count it as 30 minutes of cardio.

Every Day

Me: “Give it up.”

Large Institutional TP dispenser: “No.”

Me: “I just want some TP. You’re a TP dispenser. So, dispense already.”

TPD: “No.”

Me: “C’mon, I’ve spun this roll all the way around twelve times, both ways. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to even…”

TPD: “No.”

Me: “Look, I’m just a guy trying to get back to his work week. Let’s get this over with, and move on with our lives. I’m not asking for much. Frankly, I’ve been quite reasonable. Now… Give. Me. The. TP!”

TPD: “No.”

Me: (pause) “OK… please?”

TPD: (long pause) “No.”

Me: “You have one job! ONE JOB!!!”


Little Miss Thing, age 6: “Show me a picture of me on your phone.”

Me: “Here, I’ve got Instagram open so let’s just look at my feed.”

LMT: “Why are there so many pictures of food?”

Me: “That’s just what I post.”

LMT: “You think about food too much.”