All The Glitters

Me: “Love you.”

My Oldest, age 14: “How much?”

Me: “Should you die, I will avenge your death in a murderous rage.”

Oldest: “Good… But don’t get caught. And try to invent a poison that makes them cough up glitter as they die.”

Me: “As you wish.”

The Smiling Dead

Danger Monkey, age 7: “Look… I’m dead.”

(he flops over and lies still for a full minute.)

DM: “Was that a good dead impersonation?”

Me: “Yes. But for the record, most dead bodies are not smiling mischievously.”

Little Miss Thing, age 4: “Everything is NOT awesome, because our dog Frigg died. The Lego Movie is wrong.”