Humdinger

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (singing loudly) “OH SUSANNA! DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME! CAUSE I COME FROM ALABAMA, EATING JUNK FOOD ALL FOR FREE!”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “That’s not how it goes.”

(giggling)

LMT: “Second verse, same as the first! Little bit louder, little bit worse! OH SUSANNA! DON’T YOU CRY…”

DM: “PLEASE STOP SINGING THAT SONG!”

(long pause)

LMT: (humming)

DM: “Please stop humming that song!”

(long pause)

LMT: (whistling)

DM: “Please stop whistling that song.”

(long pause)

LMT: (tapping rhythm) (giggling)

DM: “Please stop tapping out that song.”

(long pause)

LMT: (snapping fingers) (giggling)

DM: “Please stop snapping your fingers to that song.”

(everyone giggling)

(long pause)

LMT: (wiggling chair to make it squeak rhythmically)

DM: “Please stop squeaking that song.”

(much giggling)

(long pause)

LMT: (leaves and returns)

LMT: (playing toilet paper tube like a kazoo)

DM: “Please stop playing that song on a toilet paper tube.”

Me: “OK, you gotta give her credit for creativity.”

(much laughter)

(much love)

Letter of the Law

(at dinner)

Me: “OK, kids. I’m going up to pay the bill. Make sure you behave while I’m away.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “What exactly do you mean by BEHAVE?”

Me: “Oh, you know. Be quiet and respectful. Don’t yell bad words or have a fistfight. Don’t juggle bowling balls.”

LMT: “Does that include setting fires?”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Yeah – you didn’t mention not juggling FLAMING bowling balls.”

LMT: “You didn’t say to not run away and join the circus.”

DM: “You didn’t say we can’t break up the furniture and make bows and arrows out of it.”

LMT: “You didn’t say to not turn off all the restaurant lights and yell POWER OUTAGE!”

DM: “You didn’t say to not run across other people’s food.”

Me: “On second thought, maybe you two should just come with me.”

That’s Not Right

(Dog farts.)

Me: “Dog, you stink.”

(Dog farts again)

Me: “Dog, if you don’t stop farting, I’m going to duct tape your butt closed.”

Boy: “Daddy, that’s not right. Don’t duct tape her butt closed!”

Boy leaves the room and comes back, holding up a circular object.

Boy: “Let’s use masking tape instead.”