Surprise Me

(driving)

Kids: “Where are we going?”

Me: “It’s a surprise.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Give us a hint.”

Me: “No.”

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “If it’s cleaning port-a-potties, I’m going to be really mad.”

Me: “It’s not cleaning port-a-potties.”

LMT: “Is it Chuck E Cheez?”

Me: “No, it’s better than Chuck E. Cheez.”

DM: “Well, that doesn’t narrow it down much. Everything is better than Chuck E. Cheez.”

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Better By Daddy

My Oldest, age 16: “I bought new wiper blades, but can you put them on my car for me?”

Me: “It would be better for me to show you…”

Oldest: “Please, Daddy? I’ll pay you with… love… and… love. That’s all I’ve got.”

(long pause)

Me: “As you wish, dear.”

Down with Pants

Me: “Is your room clean yet?”
Danger Monkey, age 10: “Yes.”
Me: “Good. I’ll go inspect it.”
(long pause)
DM: “No. It’s not ready yet.”
Me: “OK. But why not? It’s been a while since you went up there.”
DM: “Because… my pants.”
(long pause)
Me: “Your pants.”
DM: “Yes, my pants.”
(long pause)
Me: “I don’t get the connection. Help me out here.”
DM: “These are my heaviest pants. They are really slowing me down.”
(long pause)
ME: “OK, first, I have to tell you I think you’re making that up as an excuse because you were playing around instead of cleaning. But, just in case it’s an actual issue, let’s address this. I feel comfortable saying that if your pants or any article of clothing is keeping you from cleaning your room, you should change your clothes. If needed, you can even clean your room naked.”
DM: “You’re no fair!” (storms off)
(long pause)
Me: “Tweenager.”