Eat Your Words

Me: “Let’s get junk food. How about… twinkies.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “How about something a little healthier?”

Me: “Healthier than twinkies? That’s almost anything. Can you think of anything LESS healthy than twinkies?”

DM: “Um… gravel?”

Me: “Trash.”

DM: “A flaming sword.”

Me: “OK, so let’s compromise and get… cookies.”

DM: “How about apples?”

Me: “What?”

DM: “Maybe some kale?”

Me: …

Me: “You are no longer my son.”

DM: “Yay! Now you can’t give me chores!”

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How You Like Them Apples

Me: “Do your homework soon.”

My Oldest, age 15: “Theres no hurry.”

Me: “Do your chores right away.”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “I have other stuff to do first.”

Me: “OK, well, I guess we can’t go to the orchard and get…”

Unison: “CARAMEL APPLES!!!”

(child-shaped dust clouds where children used to be standing)