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Sarcasm

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Danger Monkey, age 9: “You say a lot of things you don’t actually mean.”

Me: “It’s called sarcasm. Learn it now because our family lives on it.”

DM: “That doesn’t make sense. Also, can we pull over? I have to go really bad.”

Me: “We just left a restaurant! We have like 20 minutes until we get home.”

DM: “Crap.”

Me: “Not in my car you don’t. Also, don’t say crap.”

DM: “You say it a lot.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m 45 with a beard and a job.”

DM: “What does a beard have to do with it?”

Me: “Because I’m an authority figure.”

DM: “Sure you are.”

(pause)

DM: “That was sarcasm.”

Me: “I know.”

(pause)

Me: “I’m proud of you.”

DM: “I know.”

No VD For Me

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Me: “Where do we want to go to dinner tonight?”

Danger Monkey, age 9: “I like Village Deli. I vote for VD.”

Little Miss Thing, age 6: “VD! VD! I want VD!”

Me: “You guys REALLY have to stop saying VD.”

DM: “Why? That’s the initials.”

Me: “I’ll explain later.”

DM: “When?”

Me: “When you’re older. Like 30.”

Lesson Learned

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Wonderful Wife: “What’s wrong, Honey?”

Little Miss Thing, age 6: “Those girls won’t let me be the Mommy.”

WW: “Well, playing is all about compromise. Even when you have employees, yes they technically have to do what you say, but you still try to compromise to keep everyone happy. And you definitely have to compromise when you’re playing.”

LMT: “OK.”

WW: “So do you know what you need to do?”

LMT: “Yes – I need to pay them so they have to do what I say.” (runs off)

WW: (slow blink) “That was NOT the lesson I was going for.”