Hollow Teens

Teen Girl in Blazer: “Everyone thinks my costume is Hillary Clinton.”

Random Mom: “I thought you were from the movie Mean Girls.”

Blazer: “No, I’m from the movie Heathers.”

Rando: “What’s the difference between Heathers and Mean Girls?”

Me: “About 20 years.”


Counter Weight

Me: “I need two wrist bands for the boys here for your unlimited go-karts please.”

Counter Dude: “Is one riding with you, or both by themselves?”

Me: “No, none for me. I’m too big.”

Dude: “Nah, our karts are nice and big. Kids ride with adults all the time.”

Me: “No, I’m too big.”

Dude: “Seriously, see the sign… weight limit is 350. That means they can hold up to 350 lbs and still move pretty good. As long as you and the kid don’t weigh over 350 together, you should be fine.”

Me: “No, I’m saying that I weigh over 350 lbs all by myself.”

(long pause)

Dude: “Whoa. Really?”

Me: “Really.”

(long pause)

Dude: “Sorry.”

Me: “Story of my life, man.”

Drawn Out

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Daddy, I just drew a portrait of Mama from my notepad. Do you want me to draw you, too?”

Me: “Of course! That sounds delightful.”

(perches on couch, staring at me)

(pencil scratching noises)

LMT: “No, that’s no good. It doesn’t even look like you.”

(crumples paper, throws on floor)

(pencil scratching noises)

LMT: “Nope. I hate this one.”

(crumples paper, throws on floor)

(pencil scratching noises)

LMT: “Here you go! Looks just like you!”

(hands me drawing)

Me: “Awww, honey that’s perfect. It looks just like me.”

LMT: “You can have it. Hang it up wherever you want.”

Me: “Thanks.”