Don’t Try This At Home

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “I can play the piano with my eyes closed. Someone guide me to the piano.”

Me: “You know, you don’t have to close your eyes until you get to the piano.”

LMT: (long pause)

LMT: “I need a guide dog.”

Me: “The dog is right next to you. Grab her collar and hold on tight. I’ll throw some popcorn over by the piano and you’ll get there in a jiffy.”

LMT: “Sure!” (grabs dog’s collar)

Wonderful Wife: “Uh… Do we really think this a good…”

(popcorn is thrown, dog drags girl across living room)

(stunned silence)

LMT: “That was awesome!”

WW: “If we had filmed that, we would be famous.”

Me: “I love my life.”

Good Reader

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Dad, which are you best at… reading, writing, or math?”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “He’s really good at reading.”

Me: “Aww, thanks, honey.”

LMT: “Especially reading on his phone at the dinner table even though he tells us it’s wrong, making him a big hypocrite.”

Me: …

(at restaurant)

Tiny Boy, maybe age 3: “Mommy, he’s really tall! Look, Mommy! He’s really tall!”

Mommy: “Yes, he is. Now let’s concentrate on your food.”

TB: “He’s really tall. He’s really tall. Is he a giant? Is he a giant?”

Mommy: “I’m so sorry, sir.”

Me: “No, I’m not a giant. But when I was little, I ate lots of veggies and they made me extra big and strong. Do you eat vegetables?”

TB: (nods, eyes wide)

Me: “Good. Eat your veggies and you’ll grow up big and strong like me.”

TB: “I will.”